i lick my wounds

i haven’t ever cried. i don’t cry, but today it was there, i felt it, the voice quavering, heart thumping, eye-wetting experience. It’s under most unfortunate circumstances, but i today i learnt more things in a car ride than i have ever had in a lifetime of living under the same roof as my parents.

i’d made up my mind never to ask them to lend me the cash for the hongkong trip, knew it would never work anyway. Stupid boy, done it before anyway. But i was psycho-ed and entirely convinced that i could turn it around this time so i asked, i was not even given the privilege of second sentence. 

i felt like i’d been shamed on the spot. 

10 over years of never talking about feelings. Never telling things about my life. Never communicating. Never sharing. They thought they held this family together well, they think i don’t know a thing about what life is. Today i know why i never tell my family anything. Today i know why i’m never home when people have family outings and go shopping with their parents. Today my feelings existed in a totally different way. 

10 things my parents didn’t know about me:

1. They don’t know i’m a DSC main comm. 

2. They don’t know that i chose to major in illustration for my diploma, that decision was ALL me. 

3. They don’t know that i’ve been teaching tuition for a month already (dad tried to ask about it after i spilled in the car but i didn’t reply)

4. I worked for a month at secret recipe but stopped turning up for work abruptly because the manager was a lazy asshole and a racist bully. All the other people working there were lazy bitches too, except for a nice filipino lady.  

5. I’m in the bookstore in church, i serve there alternate weeks and am a customer service officer. They probably think that bookstore = book table still…

6. I lie all the time, sometimes i tell everyone i’m going to church or watching online but i don’t do that, i watch kids central instead. Sometimes i just feel shitty about life and don’t want to go to church so i’ll say i have a flu or something and not turn up. 

7. i have a debit credit card, haha i turned it over from a normal NETS card myself and spent my entire life savings of $4000 as such

8. They didn’t know i went to take my basic driving until a week after i got the results  

9. I was part of main comm for band when i was in secondary school too, they didn’t know either. 

10. Everytime my dad refuses to send me to the mrt because sends my brother to school instead i know it’s cuz he wants to save the ERP money (i wouldn’t scrimp on that if i had a kid) and it’s kinda sad for me. But i’ve learnt to shut up and give way to the golden child.  

 

For such a long time i thought it didn’t matter and i thought i was stronger than anything, living my life as though i was living alone anyway. Today i hope it’s settled and i hope it really doesn’t matter anymore. I don’t want to be looked down on anymore, i’m going to read back on this post and be reminded of the feelings. I want to, because i don’t want to be the same person anymore, 18 years has been fucking hard, people around me don’t make it easier, i feel like i’m going round in circles. 

i’ve never told my dreams or hopes to anyone. Today i live for nothing more, sometimes when you’re trying to be nicer people just step on you. When i get over this i’m going for a much better lot in life, i can do it myself. 

- Issac