i lick my wounds

i haven’t ever cried. i don’t cry, but today it was there, i felt it, the voice quavering, heart thumping, eye-wetting experience. It’s under most unfortunate circumstances, but i today i learnt more things in a car ride than i have ever had in a lifetime of living under the same roof as my parents.

i’d made up my mind never to ask them to lend me the cash for the hongkong trip, knew it would never work anyway. Stupid boy, done it before anyway. But i was psycho-ed and entirely convinced that i could turn it around this time so i asked, i was not even given the privilege of second sentence. 

i felt like i’d been shamed on the spot. 

10 over years of never talking about feelings. Never telling things about my life. Never communicating. Never sharing. They thought they held this family together well, they think i don’t know a thing about what life is. Today i know why i never tell my family anything. Today i know why i’m never home when people have family outings and go shopping with their parents. Today my feelings existed in a totally different way. 

10 things my parents didn’t know about me:

1. They don’t know i’m a DSC main comm. 

2. They don’t know that i chose to major in illustration for my diploma, that decision was ALL me. 

3. They don’t know that i’ve been teaching tuition for a month already (dad tried to ask about it after i spilled in the car but i didn’t reply)

4. I worked for a month at secret recipe but stopped turning up for work abruptly because the manager was a lazy asshole and a racist bully. All the other people working there were lazy bitches too, except for a nice filipino lady.  

5. I’m in the bookstore in church, i serve there alternate weeks and am a customer service officer. They probably think that bookstore = book table still…

6. I lie all the time, sometimes i tell everyone i’m going to church or watching online but i don’t do that, i watch kids central instead. Sometimes i just feel shitty about life and don’t want to go to church so i’ll say i have a flu or something and not turn up. 

7. i have a debit credit card, haha i turned it over from a normal NETS card myself and spent my entire life savings of $4000 as such

8. They didn’t know i went to take my basic driving until a week after i got the results  

9. I was part of main comm for band when i was in secondary school too, they didn’t know either. 

10. Everytime my dad refuses to send me to the mrt because sends my brother to school instead i know it’s cuz he wants to save the ERP money (i wouldn’t scrimp on that if i had a kid) and it’s kinda sad for me. But i’ve learnt to shut up and give way to the golden child.  

 

For such a long time i thought it didn’t matter and i thought i was stronger than anything, living my life as though i was living alone anyway. Today i hope it’s settled and i hope it really doesn’t matter anymore. I don’t want to be looked down on anymore, i’m going to read back on this post and be reminded of the feelings. I want to, because i don’t want to be the same person anymore, 18 years has been fucking hard, people around me don’t make it easier, i feel like i’m going round in circles. 

i’ve never told my dreams or hopes to anyone. Today i live for nothing more, sometimes when you’re trying to be nicer people just step on you. When i get over this i’m going for a much better lot in life, i can do it myself. 

- Issac

emo…

haha today i lost miserably in monopoly two rounds flat… hahaha it was really BAD and you think you know bad wait till you see me playing… haha…

unbelievable…

i totally do not believe that i just told my dad to wake me up earlier because i have to be in school at 11am… TO PLAY RISK!? (i mean the boardgame)… i’m off my rocker, totally and i know it… hahaha… 

accompanied amos to take pictures today, NOT FEELING INSPIRED at all… where’s all this dullness coming from? hahaha i feel boring right now…

i’m addicted to patapon and the moment i see amos with a PSP i am wrestling it OUT of his arms IMMEDIATELY. God bless the patapons  

cheers

disturbia…

why is this happening? When you have absolutely nothing to do and there’s so much time but you’re NOT getting anything productive done, then you know you’ve done it… You’ve let your little poor life slide down to the dirty armpits of hell…

well, ugly betty is now taking a little longer to load so i’ve decided to blog… i woke up at 10 and the buffer speed has been quite fast till now… darn have to wait every few minutes to see what happens next…

past few weeks/months have been the most stressful and tiring months of my life, seems that i’ve been going on and on at it that when i have time to rest like NOW where there’s practically no school i just simply breakdown and die because i don’t know what to do… of course we’re always on about our ideals and how we want to work on our designs and whatever crap when we have free time… but the truth is more often than not we end up in front of a screen stoning off… i’m feeling really crappy right now… *sigh*… haha

schools been slack but i’ve still been going to school for main comm stuff and all… we’re all suffering luh, in what way is this an enriching and nurturing experience that we can learn and grow from? hahaha, thankless tasks, unwanted stresses and irritating people… we’re just a pound full of crazy-ass bitches waiting to bite each others’ heads off… haha, but we’d never admit it right… hahaha…

ugly betty stopped loading… depressed… haha…

now time for silly pictures… hahaha of course with a running commentary…

eh i hope melvin doesn’t get pissed about this… haha … but this is absolutely hilarious… hahaha i had to drag him around the room to wake him up okay, give me some credit…

KEZIA HAS A NICE HAIRDO… i’m a genius yes…

hahaha, and since we were in the lounge and whilst they still left random stuff around the room i got happy with the ladle… hahaha

it’s chrystal’s butt by the way…

who looked so cute last time!!!

mummy shoes courtesy of sharleen…

and a lizard we saw on the way back from the bubble tea treat… still trying to figure out how the hell clement and i ended up owing sharleen so many bubble teas… but, still cute lizard anyway…

just laugh at it cuz it’s cute… hahah

oh oh oh! i like this one! this is denise and yunxi puking after eating… hahaha welcome to the tp bulimic club… hahaha we pat each other’s backs while we puke… ahha…

donson cleaning his acrylic with a pad… hahaha…

emo sunset view from the lounge… think… Coldplay’s “Yellow” playing in the background. hahaha it’s so emo please… hahaha i’d bug kezia to sing yellow everytime we see this… hahaha

i realised that so many of my pictures are from school, hahah need to get out more… meet up with other people like meifeng and caroline and all the other people that i used to go out with… it just happens so quick when something consumes you and you have no other life anymore, i feel like i’m looking forward to nothing else except more events… there’s nothing else on my head anymore… feel like shit luh…

needs to club and let loose somehow… MOS? hahaha, needs to find back that meaning in life, or a direction, some purpose… there isn’t anymore meaning in being someone people look up to when there’s nothing to follow in that person after all…

amos calls… supposed to go shooting with him today but he woke up, very appropriately an hour later than, as i expected, the time we were supposed to meet… haha so hopefully when we walk around today i’ll get inspired or something, back to the last bit of ugly betty before i head out the door…

cheers!

zonked

I’m having an outbreak. Dies… haha… i couldn’t control and squeezed two of them which were right next to each other and they eventually merged to become one big pimple. haha… poked again and squeezed all the pus out… hahaha it’s a vicious cycle luh haha… OH GAWWWDDDD… haha

Today turned out to be a good day i guess, i survived it at least… See i woke up at 5.45 am and actually managed to stay sane all day! Now that’s what you call a pro okay, customer service was crazy today, and i really would have enjoyed it more if i didn’t have so many things to worry about…

i ate like a pig today… two magnums in a row, beat that man…  

first tuition today, i totally got killed at the science part luh… i didn’t know whether rubber sinks/floats so that really sucked… But english was okay, but i’ll totally make sure i know the answer before setting the questions to him first… hahaha dies…

i’m not feeling fun today. hahaha hopes for a happy week.

the snooze-king

hullo hullo, i’m posting! great man, hahaha i’m finally back in front of the comp ready for a post, anyway it’s not that i don’t want to post but posting without pictures is just NOT SHIOK okay… and the AGM pictures didn’t turn out very pretty anyway so i was just waiting for a right time to post basically…

haha…

anyway i want to show off my empire, everyone say hi to WIKKEL the cutest empire ever from DSC sub comm camp, haha aww i miss camp so much it was pretty fun and we were TOTALLY just getting started when it all ended… anyway here it is:

haha i love every single one eh! haha…

anyway today i went for Festival of Praise with Wyncy, Melvin and Tom… plus my cell group sitting in front luh… but technically the four of us went together… hahah anyway it was kinda interesting cuz if you think about it the four of us are the LAST group of people you’d see together on any given random day hanging out… like… UHHH… nevermind, we took cool night shots so i’mma show it off next time…

Am feeling really jumbled now because despite having a damn cool muji notebook/organiser/scheduler thingy i still can’t seem to keep track of the things that i have to do such that i keep double booking myself… haha woops… looks like i have to skip this thursdays meeting already… haha…

i am going through an outbreak. 7 pimples at once is not a very nice thing, haha but i’m glad i’m too busy to have to bother about them… haha, FOP was just one crazy whirlwind of fun/work/fellowship… i should’ve served more… hahaha, but yea just anyway it was fun… hahaha but today(last day) i was quite stoned so i basically just got into my seat and stoned there whilst geri was commenting about having her “crepe” already… which i immediately interpreted as having her “crap” and i guessed it really must’ve been quite shiok for the toilet bowl… hahaha… thank God that i don’t have to bother the chicken rice uncle with orders ever again and that i don’t have to eat chicken rice ANYMORE… i know half of attributes bookstore hates me for the 3-day chicken rice marathon and the lack of 3-in-1 coffee in the store… -_- i’m totally bakoufed(random invented word, it doesn’t exist) by their high standards for welfare, we should totally get us a VIP lounge next time then… HAHA i’m not complaining, i know chicken rice for three days sucks too… hrmmph… nevermind, someone help me find that word which i’m lookin’ for…

i’m getting so so so fat, i need to get out and lose it, as such i declare a one week fast during which i will eat nothing but grass…

my brain my brain my brain… it’s totally jumbled i swear, as mentioned before this coolio muji organiser doesn’t seem to be working… HOW?!?! sei chor loh, hahaha… ohkay makes a mental note not to extensively use cantonese in my blog posts lest i receive flak for my sub no-standard in the language (RIGHT HOR, MAGDALENE?!!) hahaha… despite the mumbo jumbo i’m still quite peacefully sitting here and enjoying the peace of my room… this is a good thing, at least i’m not feeling all high strung and frustrated like i was in the toilet, i was pissed cuz the shampoo kept bombing to the floor (by this i mean crashing to the floor at exceedingly high speeds) and this happens everytime i bathe so i was so pissed my insides wanted to scream at the shampoo… but i know that it’s not the pantene’s fault so i happily threw out the cheapo follow me shampoo my mama brought from malaysia and replaced it’s place with pantene in all it’s glory… wahahaha, greatness…

high strung, high strung, everyone has been really high strung these few days/weeks and stuff like that, i don’t know, maybe it’s the weather. But i find that i’ve been coming into contact with high-strung people far to often! so often that it’s abit depressing because when people get high-strung on me i feel like i’m getting scolded and everytime i feel like i’m getting scolded i just get pissed off… ah, all the high-strung people in the world should go and die. haha…

THERE ARE PEOPLE(PERSON) IN MY LIFE WHOM I THINK ARE VERY FAKE. Yea, haha just to add on the the above, fake people should be put to death too… haha, it just makes me want to die when i feel that someone is trying to befriend me just because he/she wants to make sure that he/she is friends with everyone… they will have no good end… hahaha…

How long haven’t i posted? i must make up for lost time and post alot this time round leh! hahaha but i don’t think anything interesting has been happening in my life recently… make a mental note: do something interesting… ahaha, i’m feeling abit broke, i just gave a 10 buck offering during FOP… ahaha before the offering the preacher was saying that we should not write the amount yet because we should be moved first by the sharing of the word then decide what to give… haha deep inside i was being all cyncial and catty and said to myself i’m giving 2 bucks you can try whatever ways and means to convince me but i ain’t givin’ no more… stupid issac, why are you always so stupid… hahaha i ended up giving ten bucks, go figure… hahaha… but it felt great luh, hahaha… just wanted to share how stupid i felt…

melvin’s head was a big hazard today. i know this is just random but during FOP when reuben morgan from hillsong invited everyone to hang out at the front i was standing like right behind melvin. bad choice. hahaha whilst i was being all high and jumping and stuff i could distinctly see a big round patch of black in front of me… and i was extremely aware of the fact that my face could just smash into it and there’d be alot of chaos and blood… well, yea basically my main point… i don’t have a main point. nevermind.

okay here’s until i blog again sometime in the next six months hahaha

cheers,

izak